i think i started blogging regularly in 2005. i love to journal, and i use blogging as a way to "log" experiences, feelings, things that i am going through and things that i am learning. i see great value in being able to go back and read them - seeing God's hand in everything that i go through.
i do like that it is also a way for people to follow things that happen here in guatemala, but the thought that people are reading them is not the motivator.
however, i almost didn't write this one simply for that reason.
it crosses my mind at times that i don't want my bloggings to make it seem like i am struggling. i don't want people to read them and ever say "boy, they are really sacrificing." i dont want to come across as having the "poor me's". so sometimes after tough days or frustrating/challenging experiences, i will write about those in a different hand-written journal.
but why? if i am to answer honestly... its because i am concerned with what people think. i don't want people to feel sorry for us. for some reason i don't fully understand, my pride doesn't want to hear friends/family say "i am sorry that happened", or even "hang in there." i think its because i am a problem solver, so i just prefer fixing it and going on. or, if it's not "fixable", i want to put it to rest, forget about it, and start over the next day.
God is teaching me that this is not always a good thing. we were created for community. i need encouragement, edification, opinions/thoughts from others, wisdom, counsel. maybe it's someone who has been through a similar situation that can shed some light, or maybe its the person who sarcastically responds "quit complaining."
i am accepting (with God's grace and patience) the fact that i prefer facing tough times alone for other reasons as well. simply put, i always want people to think we are doing great, that the ministry is thriving, and that every day is productive and amazing.
i am working on it. step one... writing this blog.
the last couple weeks have been strange and hard. many people in this community that i love have seemed darker and upset. lots of dirty looks. i am having to confront guys in the street who are messing with my daughters. drunks (who are normally "happy drunks") have been aggressive and belligerent with us. various people in the village we work have blasted me about how bad we are because of how often we "help others but not them."
one couple recently told kerrie and i that all we do is trap the poor by helping them. she said "maybe they don't all understand but we do." the same couple, mind you, has asked us repeatedly for a new house. we have explained to them before that we don't feel their need for a home compares to the needs of many others.
these types of things have been sprinkled into our lives ever since we moved here. but the last few weeks seems to have been full of them. crime issues have heightened a bit. there is a different mood. i pray it passes.
is missionary work supposed to be hard like this? i think the answer is a clear "yes." serving is hard. unfortunately, for every one that we help, several others are jealous if not angry. part of the deal i guess.
i pray for a steady mind and a pure heart. i struggle. the next guy who gives the up-down stare at my 13 yr old daughter might receive a broken nose. maybe that wouldn't be very missionary like, but that's where i am...
thanks for listening.
6 comments:
Keep fighting the good fight brother. Always praying for you and your family.
It is ok to admit frustration. Just don't let it consume you.
Take care. I will be in Guate next week (Wed-Sun.) If you want to go out and grab a quick bite or coffee and vent a bit, let me know.
Brock, thanks for being so real. That is the thing I love the most about you & Kerrie. She said some things to me while we were there that have really stuck with me. I appreciate your honesty, and know that you guys are always in our prayers. As far as the past two weeks being rough, maybe God is getting ready to do something HUGE again. We'll be praying that the "mood" changes.
Always praying for you, your sweet family, and the people you are doing life with. Just doing a little blog reading tonight and came across yours. Funny thing is, I just read everything on the BVSA website before reading this..amazing how God is unfolding every piece of that vision. Sometimes its those "tough days" that remind us we are doing EXACTLY what God wants us to be doing. Love you all!!!
Spent a humbling few moments reading through your blogs. Thank you for sharing. I'm reminded of a much lesser but related experience setting up an agricultural project in a poverty-stricken area in South Africa. Our motivation swung up and down like a yo-yo for similar reasons I think to yours. You, however, are helping to transform the lives of many many people - but even if it was just one family you helped with their kids and their kids' kids to benefit long term, that eclipses human frailties. It may not always feel so positive but you and your family should feel hugely proud of your efforts. If we all had just a fraction of that human spirit what a different world this would be!
Good honest stuff man - we feel it too and are glad that we can at least vent through some of it together.
Maybe it's not very missionary like, but sometimes a person simply needs a punch in the nose. (Wait, did I just say that out loud?)
Kidding. Kinda.
Love you guys.
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